Friends and Beyond

It Takes Time To Build A Quality Relationship

Love at first sight is not really love in its truest form.  It is more of an infatuation as a couple moves into the getting to know each other phase of a relationship.  Yes, it is true that there are a few who meet and move directly into a marriage and it works, however this is not the usual case. 

When two people begin to spend time together a funny thing tends to happen along the way.  The real someone that many times hides behind the "putting your best foot forward" will begin to emerge. Somewhere along the line the differences that are not seen in the beginning could lead to a misunderstanding and a fight of some kind.  It is these bumps in the road that help in create the stability that a good relationship is based on. 

Sometimes a breakup happens as well.  It is during this time that a great relationship will emerge or a not so great relationship should remain broken.   This time apart allows you to take a step back and either evaluate or re-evaluate the aspects of the relationship in it's truest form.  It is possible that you have purposely overlooked things that occurred in fear that you would lose the other person when in fact that person is not the right person for you in the first place.  If you are female always remember that a man needs time apart and is unable to maintain the closeness that females do since we are community individuals.  Sometimes this time is misconstrued as there being something wrong when in fact he is just in his cave sorting things out and you need to reconnect with the things that made you happy before you began your relationship.  When he returns to you it will be as it was before the time spent apart. 

You can then resume building a solid and quality relationship which only grows with time.  There is a ton of information available when you find yourself in a situation where you are unsure of the next step.  Use it and apply the principles.  There are several that I have put in the Resources section of this website that are proven and produce results if you are willing to take a step and educate yourself.  Yes, it takes some educating to build anything that will stand a lifetime and is worth the effort and that includes your relationship.

3 Common Emotional Needs That Create Misunderstanding In Any Relationship

As long as relationships between men and women have been in existence, there is still one well known fact. Most problems in relationships stem from a lack of understanding between the needs of a woman and the needs of a man. And they are not the same but they do compliment each other. There are six combinations of emotional needs that come to play in every relationship.

 

This first and not in this is order is that women need respect but men need appreciation.  For the man, physical expressions of respect for a woman include things like remembering birthdays and anniversaries to flowers and will show her that he has taken into consideration her thoughts and feelings.  When this happens she is more capable of acknowledging the man's behavior and let him know his efforts were not wasted,   he then feels appreciated and that will empower him and give him the motivation to respect her even more.

 

Another place where men and women fall short is that a woman primary need is to be cared for while and man's primary need is to be trusted.  When a man shows interest in a woman's feeling and concerns, she feels cared about.  In turn she returns this fulfillment by trusting her man more and more.  As her trust grows, she is more open which allows for her man to become even more attentive and caring to her.

 

One aspect of emotion that is generally misunderstood and in so many relationships is that women need to be understood but on the same token men need to be accepted.  So often a woman will get involved with a man and hope that she can change or improve him.  It is imperative for a relationship that a woman receives a man with favor and believes he can and will make his own decisions concerning improvements.  When a man feels this kind of acceptance, it is easier for him to listen without judgment and give understanding in the manner that allow her and her feelings to feel heard.

 

There are three other areas in a relationship between men and women that must be considered.  but starting with these three will dramatically help to avoid a troubled or rocky start or improve an already established relationship.  Although these emotions are very different, they go hand in hand to build successful, loving and lasting foundations for any relationship. 

Role Reversal In A Marriage Can Create Communication Barriers

There seems to be an increase to role reversing on the family home front recently.  The woman/mom of the family has taken on the bread earning while the husband/dad stays at home and takes care of the household.  That seems to work in some cases but when there are children involved the change in role playing can create a major gap in communication. 

Because the nature of a woman is to be a nurturer and the nature of the male is to be the warrior, raising children in a household where dad stays at home and mom works gets rocky as time goes on.  This does not happen in all homes but is more the rule and not the exception.  Sometimes the couple will research, discuss and agree on some newer forms of child rearing such co sleeping and nursing to a later age.  In a family where role reversal is in place, the male worth is challenged as the child gets older.  This especially hinders intimacy between the two.

Another issue that arises is that when the woman arrives at home she finds the the household duties are often not done or not done to her approval.  She finds that she must either do them herself or have that dreaded "Honey, we must talk" conversation.  She feels like a single mom quite often which then creates dissention between the two. She has a hard time appreciating what he has done and only sees what has not been accomplished.

Even in this world of change, one thing does remain clear. Women are the community and nurturers that is why God made them mothers. Men predominantly are the warriors and hopefully the supporters and that is why God made them fathers.  If role reversal is what you choose for your lifestyle in your home, be aware that the one thing that breaks up a couple most often besides money is communication.

Online Dating Has Given "Blind Date" A New Meaning

It has come to my attention just recently about what may be appropriate for a blind date when it comes to activity and setting.  In this day and age, people tend to rush into and out of relationships like a revolving door.  There is no time alotted to get to know one another.  Immediately there is a sense of false commitment and then surprise when that commitment does not stick.  So the question is...What is an appropriate activity and setting when you have been recommended to someone that you have not met?  Is is a date or not?  Where should you go and what should you do?

The answer to this question is one so many do not like because it is putting on the brakes before you get started.  But to properly meet someone, it should be done in a public, casual and even fun atmosphere.  A public gathering or networking function is a great place to meet someone of the opposite sex for the first time.  Cocktails in a larger setting or even coffee is a safe and appropriate atmosphere for both men and women to meet for the first time when a friend or family member has made a recommendation and is not available to be there to make the introduction.

Meeting a stranger for a movie or dinner is not an ideal setting for that first time meet.  The atmosphere is too intimate and intimidating especially if the people meeting do not take a liking to each other in the beginning.  Also, with a meal, there is an unspoken sense of obligation for the gentleman to pay for the meal even if he does not like the woman.   

By choosing a casual meeting place and activity, there is a sense of freedom for both people to either continue seeing each other by mutually planning a proper date or going their separate ways.  This also gives room to meet a few more times casually before proceeding forward to a dating environment.  With online dating at an all time high, it is important to use caution when meeting strangers for the first time.  And even a few times after the initial get together.  There should always be a Plan B until you get to know someone better and feel comfortable with and even safe around them.  Why rush when you have the rest of your life to enjoy the right person. 

Hard Times Causes Communication To Go To the Cave More Frequently

Recently I have been getting messeges concerning how men are reacting to their women in these times of economic struggle.  With many women in the work force trying to make ends meet for the family, the need for clearer communication is on the rise.  Women come home from work and when they begin to talk about the days ups and downs, their male counter part tends to withdraw or retreat. What is understandably happenning is that he is, feeling like it is his responsibility to solve the problems that arose during the day for her and will go into what is called his cave.

The cave is the place in his mind where men find relief and the space to focus and try to solve the problem at hand.  He is unaware that his female counter part only wanted him to listen and be the shoulder to cry on like all her other girlfriends.  She is not expecting him to come up with solutions to the days issues. The not so great part of this situation is that when a man is in his cave, so to speak, he is unable to give his woman the attention she is needing.  Once he finds some kind of solution to the problem that was expressed, he can then come out of that space and resume the relationship.

Women do not always react well to this withdrawl mostly because they are either unaware of the cave or do not understand the need for the solitude. They instantly feel ignored and know that the man they care about is not paying attention to their need for communication.  She does not realize that he is unable to do so in a manner that would attend to her needs so he retreats to a distant and unresponsive cave.  Should she persist in trying to get him to communicate, she just may be attacked by the dragon that protects the mouth of the cave, which will hurt her even more. 

The best thing for a woman to do in these cases is to first of all tell him man the bottom line and that she just needs him listen.  When he does go into his cave, leave him alone.  Do not take it personal. He can not handle that kind of conversation very well and when he comes back from his time of solitude he will be of more support than before.  When this principle is learned or at least acknowledged between men and women then their communication will improve in leaps and bounds.

You Can Control Or You Can Relate But You Can Not Do Both

In relationships there is always a pull and push action going on.  This usually results in a control struggle of some kind.  You can not force someone to change their emotions or desires at the drop of a hat or the wave of a hand.  Much less than when you demand so.  Withholding rewards will not get you where you want to go in a relationship either.  This will neither control or dictate the direction any reltionship is going.  But many women especially, do this to try to get want they want from their men.  Stop!  It may work for a while for not for the long haul. 

In order to have a successful relationship with a man it is imperative that you learn how to manage your relationship without tryping to control, demand, manipulate or otherwise dominate it.  When you do these things you will lose sight of the needs and desires of the other person.  Emotional blackmail is exactly what it is..Blackmail.  Women can use this tactic on everyone, not just a man.  Whether it is a relationship or a business these tactics force people to do what you want not because it fills their needs or rewards them in any way.  Eventually they will discontinue doing what you want for lack of motivation and produce less desirable results. 

When you try to control a relationship you produce conflict.  This constant conflict can in the long run, destroy any relationship.  This can surely destroy intimacy.  And when there is intimacy in a relationship then you must let your man be who he is, which is a problem for some women.  This is the same for a woman.  In a truely intimate relationship you must be who you are which means there must be some kind of transparency.

In a nutshell, you can not relate adequately or efficiently relate when you are trying to control.  When you are trying to manage your relationship you are continually trying to let go of control.  Having control will not reduce any risky of being hurt, but you will grow and develop a relationship that is alive.  Even the thought of it may seem scary, it can be done.